What the bittersweet goodbye means
One of my family members became ill a few months ago with lung cancer. The news was shocking although not entirely unexpected for a smoker to tell you that they were diagnosed with lung cancer. I had to process the news and come to terms with it. I came to terms with it knowing that my relative who was extremely close to me will no longer be there for me in the near future.
I knew I had to come see the person. We talked every day. I live far away and I needed to be in touch with her to understand how she was doing and feel like I was there for her. It helped me to be in constant touch with her, but I couldn’t see what was happening on the sidelines. Calling them isdifferent than living with the person. You can hear how sick they are but you can’t see it. It’s not the same thing — your eyes have a much better understanding and can tell you a lot more than your ears can.
The end was near
I decided to come and visit her. I had to come any way for some personal administration that I could manage while I was there. An ideal way to kill two birds with one stone and maximise the time I spent. Well, things took a rapid turn starting with my arrival. I was surprised with how quickly the disease had advanced.
I was surprised and wasn’t able to pull myself together. I didn’t break down, but I was exhausted from travelling, the time difference, and seeing her in this condition. I was not completely surprised as I had a feeling about how bad she really was. Still, I hoped for better. The next morning I called for an ambulance and that was the last time she was home.
The bittersweet goodbye
Three days after I arrived she was gone. Yes, it took a matter of 12 hours on a Friday that she went from being responsive to going completely down and expiring. I got the call and I broke down that she had expired. I went immediately that night to say one final good bye to her.
When I was in the room with her, it was peaceful. There was complete silence. She was there. I was there. I could say whatever I wanted and needed to as part of my final good byes. There was a moment of serenity as I looked on and noticed her in her final state of resting. It was something that I took in and realised that she is with her partner and suffers no more. At the same time I was sad that she left.
I left the room and went back to her house. I broke down and was very sad. It happened once and that was it. I felt the release, I felt the calmness in the house. I felt the tiredness that came upon me. I went to bed and there was this same aura of calmness, serenity, and complete peace.
Relief and complete inner peace
The bittersweet goodbye means that you are finally at peace. If you were there for the person and had a chance to say good bye then you’re at peace. It was the first time in my life that I was not scared, worried, but instead feeling free inside. Based on that experience, if people take a chance to be there for the person, then the passing goes more smoothly.
I’m not suggesting that people shouldn’t grieve or that they shouldn’t take their time. They absolutely need to do that. It’s a process, but I think being in peace with yourself helps that process. It’s a complex, emotional rollercoaster of different feelings. That’s 100% clear (experienced it myself). But, the grieving process has been much easier for me compared to other instances where I couldn’t say good bye or I said good bye and something happened later on when I wasn’t certain the person would pass.
Make every moment count
Making the moment count whether it’s every day or at the last moments matters most. Being there and building a relationship is key. It’s what we all should do. But, being there for someone in their darkest hour (if they want you there) is the best thing you can do. Of course, if you’ve not maintained a relationship with them beforehand, they may resist you being involved with them.
I was fortunate never to experience that with someone. I did learn from this recent passing that life matters much more all the time. It shouldn’t be conditional. I can say that spending those last moments were especially important but they didn’t define my relationship with my relative. Instead, they helped me prepare and get ready for what I knew was coming. One can never fully prepare, but knowing and making every minute count may just make it slightly better.
Final Thoughts
Losing a friend, relative, or other person in life may be extremely difficult. It can be emotionally taxing. Nonetheless, saying that final goodbye is bittersweet most of the time.
If they were suffering, they will suffer no more. They leave you behind and the memories that you have with them. That’s what makes their passing bittersweet.
Spending their final moments with them before they transition to end of life can make it easier. It helps you prepare and cherish those moments that you can hold on to forever. One needs to make those moments count.
